The Chimney Sweep
by lone astronomer
Summary: Have you all read Cassandra Claire's "Draco Sinister"? Do you all recall the song mentioned...? Well, here's the result that had- Janine's twisted takeover of my mind went too well...


I May Be A Tiny Chimney Sweep

But I Have an Enormous Broom

Idea by Cassandra Claire

Lyrics (this version, anyway) by lone astronomer

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Cassandra Claire (but I did ask permission to post this), Draco Dormiens, or, sadly, Sirius Black. Drat my luck.

I don't own the perverted mind that came up with the lyrics, either. That belongs to my twisted muse, Janine, who lives in my fingers. The stagemaster is based loosely on my music teacher… but if you find out who that is, I'll deny it.

* * *

SIRIUS: (gets pushed up on stage) Aw, you loony, do I have to sing it again? (Sways dangerously to the side but regains composure) 

STAGEMASTER: Jus' do it, you old drunk!

SIRIUS: Who's he callin' old, anyway? (clears throat and begins to sing in a surprisingly on-key voice)

Oh, people might say

As they walk down the street

That I'm tiny, short, puny- 

A little chimneysweep

But I'll tell you quite honestly 

I've no secrets to keep,

That no sweep in London has

A bigger broom than me.

CHORUS:

Oh, I may be a tiny chimneysweep

But I have an enormous broom

The chimneys in London

Are dirty and old

All full of ash, dust,

Soot, woodchips and mould

So a little chimneysweep

Is always your best bet

I can fit down your chimney and

I ain't bad in bed

CHORUS

The ladies up by London bridge

That know me by my name

Have my number on their fridge

Find my job such a shame

I never miss a call, you see

Ask anyone you meet.

The sights and sounds of London town 

Aren't all found on the street

CHORUS

Oh, people might think

That my job is a bore

That I don't sleep a wink nights

'Cause my girlfriend's a whore

They're right, of course,

But as you'll all see

There ain't a sweep in London that has

A bigger broom than me

CHORUS

A sweeper's broom's his pride and joy

His showcase to the world

A broomride's like a joyride, just

A little bit more porn

And when the joyride's over

You don't have to wash the car

But the sheets on the master bed

Are way beyond repair.

CHORUS

Having Britain's biggest broom, y'see

'S not always such a charm

If I'm careless when I use it

I could cause somebody harm

Even for a little guy

The flues are quite a squeeze

And plenty blokes down in the square

Are "littler" than me.

CHORUS

Now that you know the bottom half

Of not-so-tiny me

It's time I came to know you too

Wouldn't you agree?

Blonde, brunette, redhead

Baby, bring it on

And by the time I'm through with you

Your mind'll be half-gone

CHORUS

I'm not a pervert, no sirree,

No ma'am, no child, no way

This sick mind simply has to do

With the way I spend my day

If you spent all your afternoons

Up a chimney flue

With all the carbon monoxide fumes,

You'd be perverted, too.

CHORUS

Spiderman is radioactive

And Batman's celibate.

Superman's got a weakness

Her name is Lois Lane

And kryptonite'll kill him too

We can't forget ol' Lex

But let me in between those legs

I'm just like him for sex

CHORUS

Beyond the call of duty

Of cleanin' out the flues

Beyond the fireplace itself

I'm bound to leave no clues

So single, married, one and all

Worry not your pretty heads

An' I'll make a lengthy visit to

Your comfy little beds. 

CHORUS

See that short bloke on the street

Dirty face and callused hands

Look closer, darling, don't forget

The banana in me pants

Truth of the matter is

"Banana"'s not the word

You'll shout within five seconds

If not, I'll eat the world

CHORUS

The passin' o' the broom is 

Our family history

Me grandpa, me uncle, 

One o' me sisters, even

An' when we're all gone,

The trade shall not die

For our giant brooms live on

Inside each and every guy

(*and some of the women,* he adds drunkenly, trying not to look at anyone in particular as he mentions this)

CHORUS

I'm just a lowly sweeper

Lookin' for a good time

If you want to have fun with me

Well, sugar, that's just fine

Like I said, a chimney sweep

Is always your best bet

If I don't know you then I think

It's high time that we met

CHORUS

-END FOR NOW-

Okay, there are six or so more verses to go, which I haven't thought up yet. Three are Sirius' and the rest go with the 'real' song (yea, right). 

P.S. - Rave's version is better, but… oh well.


End file.
